Nightmare Zero 18 years 9 months ago wrote:

This game has an awkward effect on me sometimes. I've caught myself verbally responding to an enemy saying "You're not Alexander!" with "BITCH SAYS WHAT?!" and then proceeding to beat the enemy into a nice little pulp. Yeah, that showed him. Fucker says I'M not Alexander? Well, I don't think Alexander would've been able to beat you into the ground 7 times while eating your children.

AND THEN THE FUCKER'S DEAD BODY TURNS INTO A DEMON.

This is only 4% of Capcom's game God Hand. The other 96% involves difficulty that would make a hardened soldier cry, not so solid graphics(doesn't matter and I'll explain why), ridiculous voice acting, and a story's plot that seems like the child of Fist Of The North Star, Devil May Cry, 2 bad porno films, The Wraith(minus the car), Mad Max 2, Power Rangers, Kung Pow, and all the Adam Sandler movies that involve him punching/tackling something. Wait, is that some kind of sick little orgy? Errr...

This is the opera that is God Hand. And it is awesome.

Graphics
The graphics seem like early PS2 games and Dreamcast titles, in terms of visual quality. This doesn't really matter though because you're not going to be playing this game for graphics. And if that's what you were expecting, go give up now. This is a real man's game...well, sort of.

The character animations and movements look pretty good though, and each area is still nicely done and retains a lot of charm, even if it seems out of place.

Gameplay
This is a beat-'em-up game. No, this is not Final Fight: Streetwise. This is not the arcade version's Alien vs. Predator. This is not Battletoads. THIS is the definition of what beat-'em-ups should be. This game IS tough. This game won't stop until you've been killed, AT THE VERY LEAST, once. When you see the boss's health bar go from one end of the screen to the other, horizontally, you should immediatly begin to wonder "How fucking long is THIS gonna take?" or "Oh boy, its time for me to die again!". The thing is, as you progress, the game gets harder...and harder. I'm not talking about level after level, no, what I'm saying is, the better you do, the more the game thinks "Hey! We should totally raise the difficulty in the middle of this battle!" and it even tells you about it! You'll see at the bottom of the screen the level of difficulty that is set. 1 being the lowest, 2 being fuck hard, and 3 being everyone, including God, WANTS YOU FUCKING DEAD! If you can stay at level 3 for more than 10 minutes while fighting a group of enemies, then you have to be some kind of gaming God.

Now the game might be harder than a car made of diamonds, but its still fun. You beat the crap out of hordes and hordes of insane people, mercenaries, soldiers, clowns, and more! The boss battles are fun too. You fight a fat spanish potty-mouth named Elvis, a girl who thinks she's hot, but she's not, the post-apocalyptic 3 stooges, various demons, midget Power Rangers, some guy who believes he's the coolest thing since Vanilla Ice, and even a wrestling gorilla!

Your fighting techniques vary with whatever direction you're pushing the analog stick in and your mashing of a button. You also unlock and can buy more techniques, which range from wrestling moves, to brawling moves, to dirty moves. There are also times where you can grab an enemy, button mash, and pummel them to death, unless they're a woman, and then you slap their ass into oblivion. You're also able to use stage items to your disposal, such as bats, polls, umbrellas, hammers, and chairs.

Aside from fighting, lets concentrate on who you play as. You're Gene, wielder of the God Hand. Now, thanks to the God Hand, you can kick ass supremely. After doing so for a while, you gain enough energy to activate it which makes you invincible, and stronger and faster. It also allows you to do certain super moves on this thing called God Reel. These supers vary from you knocking your enemy into next week to you stunning them and then proceeding to just endlessly beat them down.

After beating a stage, you're sent to a rest area where you can purchase moves, items, and anything else you might need, go to an arena to earn extra money by fighting staged baddies, or go to a casino and try your luck with gambling. Just don't hit anyone, or else you'll have to fight the bouncers.

Story
Upon starting the game, you'll realize that there is no opening movie. This is because this should be the last catagory you consider while playing this game. This story says "Fuck it!" to any complexity that it should maintain and just delivers the fun. Honestly, there IS a story, but should you really care about it? No.

But how about I tell you what happens. You start off in a post-apocalyptic wasteland as Gene who wields the God Hand. Some arm that was cut off of some guy who did some great things. Anyway, Gene got the God Hand after miserably failing at saving some babe he runs into and they chop of his arm. The girl is all "OMFG!" and attaches the God Hand to Gene, which gives him the power to no longer suck and have the powers and moves of Bruce Lee, Kenshiro from Fist Of The North Star, and various wrestling moves, techniques, and brawl(baaaawwwwww)ing stuffs and etc. Now that you no longer suck, the girl turns you into her slave/servent/bodyguard/goto guy, which cramps Gene's style completely. Meanwhile, there is this evil gang of evil guys, and a girl, who want to kill/maim/rape you and take the God Hand. They place an expensive bounty on Gene's head and you have to make sure they don't collect.

You know, its probably deeper than what I stated, but you get the picture.

Sound
To be honest, I love the music in this game. Its not really all meant to be liked, but I like it.

Here are a few tracks that I enjoy. The music fits whatever scenes are necessary, and does its job accordingly.

The voice acting ranges from good to bad, but that depends on how you feel. I mean, it does its job, and that's good enough. Besides, you'll be too busy hearing things exploding, flesh being beaten in, and various screams and grunts to care. Oh, and the occasional insult and "You're not Alexander!".

Replay Value
If you're manly enough to complete this game on hard mode, and then have the cohones to play this game again, then, can I carry your books to school? You want my lunch too? Mother gave me ham and cheese again, but I have this awesome Snickers Dark Chocolate bar.

Plenty to unlock and play through. Should be fun if you can handle it.

Overall A.K.A. tl;dr
God Hand is good beat-'em-up fun. While it may not have the best graphics, and it seems a little ridiculous, and it is harder than most games out there, its still fun. This game wasn't designed to be a pretty little walk through the park. It was designed to be challenging, but entertaining at the same time. Go try the game out if you're looking for a challenge, but everyone should give this game a try, even if its only for five minutes.

This game gets an 8 out of 10. FUCK YES, I AM THE ALEXANDER!

kersheys 18 years 9 months ago wrote:

I see you editing this thread :0

Nightmare Zero 18 years 9 months ago wrote:

Yeah, I screwed up and accidently hit the "Create Thread" button.

raywindz64 18 years 9 months ago wrote:

Oh I hear Douche Bag!

IdyotAko 18 years 9 months ago wrote:

This is actually a game I wanted to play, but I never got around to it.

Oh well... I got Dynasty Warriors: Gundam to tide me over...

RandomKoopewoope 18 years 9 months ago wrote:

I like how you emphasize the fact that nearly every character wants you dead. Silly question,isn't that how every character acts on every game They want u dead...u fight back? Lol

Nightmare Zero 18 years 8 months ago wrote:

Well, what I meant was a matter of difficulty. Its not like you can see everything and make a plan of attack thanks to the camera doing a psudo-Resident Evil 4. Its like 3rd person, but its not. Its meant to keep you on your toes and react fast, but its a little hard to describe.

Eh, you'll see should you ever decide to play it.

raywindz64th 18 years 8 months ago wrote:

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Image:Ggodhand_original.jpg

Nightmare Zero 18 years 8 months ago wrote:

Yes, that's exactly how I reacted.